Endless
by Cielo1207
Summary: These memories refuse to stop, they taunt and beckon him and all Gokudera can do is watch them play out. contains minor spoilers for the future arc. 5927, GokuderaxTsuna, one sided 8059.


**Disclaimer: I don't own khr or any of its characters. No money or profit of any kind is made from this fanfic. **

**Warning: Tsuna will be a little ooc but that's because he's 'older' in those memories.**

**Note: memories are in **_italic_**. The story is in **normalwords.** ~Please enjoy~ **

* * *

"Gokudera-sama, please wake up. Breakfast is being served." Gokudera blearily opens his eyes and growls. The knocking won't stop, another knock, another forceful shove to consciousness. Can't the damn maid leave him alone? He just wants to get back to his sweet dreams of Jyuudaime.

"Go away."

"I'm afraid not, Gokudera-sama. I have my orders." Orders! Hah! Gokudera's willing to bet his entire stash of cigarettes that it's Yamamoto's orders.

"I'm awake. I'll be there soon."

"Understood, Gokudera-sama." Gokudera sits up and turns to the other side of the bed, his hand reaches out to shake someone awake but freezes midway. There is no one there. There is a brief moment of constrained silence as Gokudera stares at the empty spot. It is broken by the sound of choked laughter as Gokudera remembers that his Jyuudaime is doesn't sleep by his side anymore. Not now, not anymore, because his Jyuudaime is gone. Gokudera awkwardly pats the empty spot, so cold and empty, dead and gone. Gokudera sighs and gets up, if he doesn't get to the dining room soon, the baseball idiot will send someone to look for him.

"_Jyuudaime! Get up; the maid's going to come soon! She'll see you sleeping in my bed!" Agitated, Gokudera begins to furiously shake Jyuudaime's shoulder, too concerned with salvaging his boss's reputation to be careful. A hand swats his away._

"_Hayato, I'm tired, let me sleep a while more…and call me Tsuna." Jyuudaime begins to whine and Gokudera begins to panic._

"_But! Your reputation, those maids will spread this and your reputation will be torn to shreds!" Jyuudaime sighs and buries his face into Gokudera's chest._

"_Hayatooo, we're the worst kept secret in Vongola, everyone knows about us. Go back to sleep." As Gokudera tries to take in the fact that what he thought was the best kept secret was in fact the worst, his Jyuudaime tugs on his hair and pulls him down. Gokudera figures that a little more sleep wouldn't hurt; they had a late night after all._

_However, when yaoi fangirls start to stalk him and his Jyuudaime, Gokudera can't help but wish that he didn't let the maid into the room._

* * *

As of late, the breakfast table is isolated. Everyone's on a mission or mourning, even the baseball idiot who gave orders to make sure Gokudera eats his breakfast is gone. Gokudera sits as his usual spot, right next to the head of the table, and begins to eat. It's a Japanese breakfast today, rice, miso soup and some other condiments. Gokudera's lips begin to curve into a sardonic smile; it's Jyuudaime who first asked the chefs to start making Japanese food when they arrived in Italy. He missed it the most, especially his mother's cooking. To be honest, Gokudera missed Mama's cooking too; it can't be reproduced no matter what any chef tries.

"_A home cooked Japanese dinner? That's so sweet of you Hayato!" his Jyuudaime kisses his cheek and Gokudera blushes. He shall not mention the fact that he blew up two kitchens and that one of his failed creations came to life before he made the meal that his Jyuudaime was currently eating. Anniversaries are tough, but if Jyuudaime is happy than Gokudera won't complain._

"_Hayato?"_

"_Ye—" Jyuudaime suddenly stands and kisses Gokudera right on the mouth, when he pulls away, there is a green tea __flavoured__ chewy sweet in Gokudera's mouth. Jyuudaime winks at him and resumes eating._

"_I love the dessert." Jyuudaime purrs out and Gokudera blushes even more. Yep, Gokudera can't complain if he gets this kind of reward._

* * *

Gokudera is furiously signing papers, now that Jyuudaime's not here, Gokudera has to replace him. No, Gokudera shakes his head. Filling in, substituting, never replace because no one can replace Jyuudaime. Not anyone and definitely not him. Jyuudaime is special, he is warm and kind and so many, many things packed into the petite Jyuudaime that Gokudera loves. Gokudera's grip on the pen is a little too hard and it breaks, ink splatters all over the papers he's signing. Gokudera curses and reaches for his cigarette and lighter. He's going to have to clean up the mess. As Gokudera is about to light his cigarette, he remembers that he's in Jyuudaime's office. Sighing, he keeps his cigarette and lighter. He doesn't want to contaminate what's left of Jyuudaime's scent.

"_Hayato, how many times have I told you to stop smoking?" Gokudera cringes because Jyuudaime has told him many times._

"_But Jyuudaime!" Gokudera knows he's whining but smoking's one habit he can't seem to drop._

"_Hmm. If you can't stop by yourself…then I shall help you!" his Jyuudaime swivels his chair to face Gokudera and starts to grab at the cigarette dangling from Gokudera's mouth. Gokudera flails his arms, trying desperately not to hurt Jyuudaime with the letter opener in his hands._

"_Jyuudaime, I have a letter opener in my hands, please stop! What if you get hurt?"_

"_Don't joke Hayato, as if a puny let—Ouch!" Gokudera stares, eyes full of horrification, as blood begins to well from Jyuudaime's finger. He immediately drops the damned letter opener and rushes to Jyuudaime._

"_Jyuudaime! Are you okay? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cut you!"_

"_Hush Hayato it's just a tiny cut…but if you want to make it better, then suck on it! Love is the best medicine after all!" Gokudera blinks, gingerly, he takes Jyuudaime's finger when Jyuudaime abruptly pulls it out of his grasp._

"_You don't actually think that I'll let you do that with a cigarette in your mouth do you? That's un hygienic…smoke breath." Gokudera stares at his Jyuudaime with wide eyes and his Jyuudaime gives him a sly smile._

"_Hurry, Hayato, if you don't…I may have to get someone else to tend to my injury…" faces of perverts flash through Gokudera's mind and he is gone and back (cigarette free and with a minty breath) in a flash. He didn't even know he could run that fast…no that was teleportation out of love for Jyuudaime!_

"_Call me Mr. Mint." Gokudera takes Jyuudaime's finger and begins to suck on it, the coppery taste of blood mixing, swirling with mint. Mint to blood, blood to mint. Jyuudaime smiles at Gokudera and gives a contented sigh. Gokudera realizes that it's better not to smoke, especially when his Jyuudaime's around._

* * *

Gokudera's walking to Jyuudaime's room, the sound of his shoes making no sound on the carpeted floor. He's been trained to be quiet; noise can get you killed in a mission. Bombs are for when the major enemies find you. The hallway is empty, no maids, no servants, no guardians, no Jyuudaime. Gokudera reaches Jyuudaime's room and knocks out of habit. As expected, there is no answer. Gokudera opens the door and is greeted by a remnant of Jyuudaime's scent. He walks over to Jyuudaime's closet and begins to sort out Jyuudaime's clothes. He knows every single outfit his Jyuudaime owns, he was the one to choose the after all. It is his guilty pleasure; he indulges in what's left of Jyuudaime and cherishes it. His clothes, his scent, their memories; precious, precious things.

"_Hayato, help me choose my boxers!" Gokudera splutters and eavesdropping yaoi fangirls squeal._

"_Jyuudaime! Don't say these kind of things so loudly in public!" Jyuudaime frowns and shrugs._

"_Why're you so embarrassed anyway? You pick out all the rest of my clothes anyway and it's not as if you haven't seen the rest of me." Gokudera blushes and splutters some more but in the end he still picks out Jyuudaime's boxers. He'll never disobey his Jyuudaime. Gokudera holds up a pair of Armani red boxers and grins; he can already imagine Jyuudaime in it._

"…to..ke..up" A rough calloused hand shakes his shoulder and Gokudera swats it away. He didn't expect Jyuudaime to wake up earlier than him.

"…yato…up!" Again, that big warm hand…Jyuudaime's hands aren't big, they're small and beautiful. Immediately, Gokudera's awake and a worried Yamamoto is right next to him.

"I came back from my mission. You missed lunch; this is the only place you could be." Yamamoto explains and Gokudera can see it in his eyes; pain, worry, frustration. Gokudera gets up and growls at the baseball idiot.

"Leave me alone." Yamamoto clenches his teeth and Gokudera knows what he's going to say.

"Isn't it time to accept that Tsuna's gone? You and I and the rest of the guardians all saw the body! He's dead, Gokudera! He's not coming back. Can't you move on?" The hand's on his shoulder again, too warm, too big. Gokudera shakes it off. He doesn't want Yamamoto's hand. He wants his Jyuudaime.

"Why? I know you loved him, I know you cared for him. Why can't you just…find someone else?" There is a silent 'like me' attached to the end and Gokudera doesn't know how to deal with this.

"…I still love and care for him. Not 'loved', not 'cared'…and you're not Jyuudaime."

"Hah!" A bitter laugh escapes from Yamamoto's mouth and his lips are curved into a dark smile.

"You mean I'm not Tsuna. For all you know, I could be the tenth successor of the sushi shop or the tenth successor of the Shigure Souen Style. Then I'll be a 'Jyuudaime 'right? But… you still won't accept me… because I'm not Tsuna." And Yamamoto walks out of Jyuudaime's room and Gokudera wonders if their already tentative friendship will break.

* * *

_Age 15_

"_Yamamoto? …Gokudera-kun and I are going out." The smile on baseball idiot's face freezes but then he's congratulating Jyuudaime and Gokudera._

"_Haha, great! You two look great together." For some reason, Gokudera has an indescribable urge to punch the smile of his face, too forced, too fake._

"_Do…you mind?" There is a pause before Yamamoto shakes his head._

"_Nope, should I?" there is a silent plead, don't tell, don't ask. Jyuudaime opens his mouth but shuts it after a moment._ _He pulls Gokudera toward the door and right before leaving he turns back. _

"_You're still my best friend. No matter what, you know that right?" _

"…_yeah, I know." Gokudera sees the beginning of the hairline cracks in their friendship._

_Age 18_

"_Hayato, how many times do I have to tell you? Call me Tsuna!" Jyuudaime pouts at him and Gokudera buries his face into his hands._

"_But! That would be disrespectful!" Jyuudaime rolls his eyes and sighs._

"_Hayato, we're lovers, you're allowed to call me by my name."_

"_Sawada-sama?" Jyuudaime pulls at his hair in frustration and glares at Gokudera._

"_Not my family name! Tsu-na. It's not that hard! Try it!"_

"_Tsu-tsu-n-n…I can't do it Jyuudaime!" Jyuudaime sighs but hugs Gokudera anyway._

"_It's okay Hayato…maybe one day." And all Gokudera can do is give a weak smile in reply._

* * *

As usual, the forest where Jyuudaime lays is isolated when Gokudera makes his way there. It is midnight and it is one of the only times Gokudera will visit, because no one will be there and Gokudera can be alone with his Jyuudaime.

"Jyuudaime, I'm here." He walks over to the coffin and kneels.

"Yamamoto…is breaking…we all are. Hibari hasn't returned to the mansion in days, Lambo has locked himself up his rooms, turf head hasn't shouted extreme for a long time….why did you leave us Jyuudaime?"

"_Call me Tsuna!"_

"Jyuudaime…Yamamoto said that I didn't love 'Jyuudaime' but that I loved…'Tsuna'…I don't get it Jyuudaime."

"_Mou, Hayato, call me Tsuna."_

"I don't get it; I love Jyuudaime with all my heart and soul. I miss you Jyuudaime."

"_Hayato, sometimes I feel that you don't see me. Can't you just call me Tsuna? Or do you only see 'Jyuudaime'. Do you get what I mean? If you don't…never mind. Forget I said anything."_

"Jyuudaime…every time I close my eyes, all I can see is you. The memories don't go away, Jyuudaime. I don't want them too but I don't understand Jyuudaime! Why did you go there alone?"

"_Hayato…I'm going out to negotiate…as Vongola Decimo, I order you to stay and look after Vongola. Don't worry, I'll be safe…I love you."_

"Jyuudaime…did you know you were going to die? Is that why you went alone? Why did you order me to stay behind! You know I can't disobey you…"

"_Hayato…I wish I could have heard you call me Tsuna at least once in my life…"_

"_Jyuudaime don't say that! One day I will definitely call you by your name…so don't talk like you're not coming back. No matter how long it'll take I'll definitely be able to call you by your name." Jyuudaime's lips curve into a sad smile and Gokudera has the faint sensation of falling into a never ending abyss._

"_Maybe…"_

"I'm sorry, Jyuudaime…not even once. I couldn't even fulfill that one wish." Gokudera is vaguely aware that he is crying but he can't bring himself to care. Because there's no one else to see him cry, no one but his dead Jyuudaime. His tears don't stop and for the first time since he was a child, Gokudera cries himself to sleep. The sound of his phone ringing wakes Gokudera up but he switches it off as soon as he sees who is calling, it's too early to deal with all the drama. Gokudera stands up and stretches, wincing as his neck muscles protest from being in the same position too long. Gokudera sighs and bends down to kiss the coffin. He feels almost light hearted and there is a hint of acceptance beginning to seep through. Gokudera spares one last look and leaves…

That is, until he hears the creaking of wood and an all too familiar voice.

"This is a coffin…?"

"…EHH? WHY AM I IN A COFFIN?"

And time seems to have stopped for a moment; he hears the voice, too young, too innocent. He sees him, gravity defying hair, petite body; but again too young, too innocent. But it doesn't matter, hope begins to whisper to him, all too quiet at first but now it starts to stir.

"_Hayato! I'm back! Hahaha, miss me?"_

He wants to break out into a run and hug that child, kiss him and whisper that he'll never let him go. But time is ticking and he can't waste this gift. Yet, he can't stop the hope from building up, words that should not be spoken to such a young child from forming. He takes a hesitant step forward and the child turns startled eyes towards him.

"Gokudera-kun…?"

"…T-Tsuna."

And even as confused eyes stare at him, even as unbidden questions begin to form… hope starts to sing a tentative song and mingles with their ever present melody of love. And somewhere in Gokudera's tired, battered heart, it begins to believe…and an almost non-existent wish blooms.

_~fin~_

* * *

Yo! Hope you enjoyed this oneshot. I took some liberties with the ending, it does not exactly correspond with the actual dialogue but some dialogue is copied. Reviews are welcome! ~


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